Dishy Tour 2011: The Virgin's Report
On Tuesday I said
“goodnight” to the missus,
“I’ll see you, but don’t know when”
Wednesday morning I met the Bristol flight
Which landed at 08.10
As
we do up here, in Newcastle
I greeted Sharks with a warm “Bon Jour”
And we set off for Brancepeth Castle
To meet the guys on the Dishy Tour
“Let
me introduce Jon, ma mate”
Sharks said to all of them
Come the weigh in I was John McMate
And by the close of play, JM
I said
to Iggy “You’re big on nicknames”
Silo and Bobo said “No, no”
Sir Shagalot and Sharks agreed
As did Van Percy and Jumbo
Mat
the Hat and Tommo nodded
As BetPhil studied the form
“McMate you owe me money”
Said Dave, known as Norm
“Nay,
nay “said AD, AD and JA
Ditto, big Nige and Nick
Rich chipped in with an eagle
And made IL, his sibling, sick
MR
T-Y was very dry
Being prone to being thirsty
Then a sick note was submitted
By the injured, retiring Hursty
Not
surprising with the hectic schedule
That players get laid up
What with the Deutsch Dish and Didsbury Driver
As well as the Rydder Cup
And
what a struggle to work out the winners
So very complex, in most cases
For example: Who won the Greensomes Stableford
Scored on a stroke and match play basis
To
work out the twice-daily winners
Without too long a wait
Phil uses state of the ark technology
… Windows 98
Together
Phil, and young Windows
Computes all the scores
And the worthy winners are accoladed
With tumultuous applause
Of
course, the lowest of the winners
Are the first to get a round
Of applause, quite un-tumultuous
Indeed, devoid of sound
Next
two fingers slap two fingers
Which makes the sound of a pat
By the time of the five finger titter
The noise is loud…
…enough to scare a gnat
Anyway,
I saw the missus again on Friday night
She asked “Did the boat come in?”
I said “it was a plane, and no it didn”t
USA didn’t win”
She
said “It’s been 4 days since I’ve seen you,
This is all a little fishy”
I said “But I didn’t know when I picked up Peter
I’d be seduced by the Dishy!”
So,
that completes this virgin’s report
Of the RC and DD squared
It’s demanding and stamina sapping
And occasionally it made me scared
What
with fat blokes hating thin ones
And with insults being hurled
It was an experience that I just wouldn’t…
…have missed for all the World
Thank
you so much for the experience
And the memories I’ll hold dear
And it‘s all summed up by those words of Phil
“F*ck the Didsbury, let’s have a beer”
Looking Forward
to Wednesday
Of
course there's some golf but mainly
It's drinking, finger tittering and bon homie
And betting, that looms large
So here's the form, according to me
The
Hat is tipped (or should that be doffed?)
To repeat his winning show
Herr Doktor's fancied, as is another Doc
Who's ranking high. He's Lowe
MR
T-Y and BetPhil take it seriously
While they pretend they're only funning
So when taking a punt, remember
The Walkers are in the running
For
more wins, Iggy and Norm
Are lusty, hungry and thirsty
As indeed are Wal and The Tag Guard
And...if he could only finish... Hurstie
Van Percy, The Boy Hoy and Pottsy too
And JA and JB no doubt
And The Hock's got a chance, (coz Sir Shagalot said)
Virgins can... and do put out!
Sharks, McMate, Bobo and Jumbo
Aren't long shots, I heard BetPhil say
And I quote..'Long shots are not a feature
Of the type of golf they play
So
that's it, but in conclusion...
There'll be joy and laughter, sorrow and sobs
And in The Rydder Cup, just likes its namesake
There'll be victory to...The Eurobs
And finally, finally...
During the 3 days of DDing and RCing about
Be competitive, in the zone, in the sphere
But keep in mind the Mantra
''F*ck the Didsbury, let's have a beer''
The Woolyback
Tour is overThe Woolyback
Tour is over
As a golf test it was hard
Here's my take...it will be my last
I'm retiring as Tour Bard
So I can
concentrate on golf
A couple of things deserve a mention
Like driving, pitching and chipping
And my putting needs attention
Thanks
to Matt, the North West surpassed itself
But the weather wasn't up to much
The Wallasey scenery was magnificent
As was The Wirral's Basil Brush
And who
didn't think it
A red letter day
When a trophy finally went
To the talkative John A
And who
thinks BetPhil's a stalwart
Without whom we'd have less fun
And we certainly wouldn't have a clue
Just who it was, who'd won
With Phil
we get complex scores
With barely a moment's wait
Assisted by his trusty friend
Windows 98
And for
the wonderful DD website
Phil deserves, with good cause,
Not a namby pamby titter
But tumultuous applause
And brother
Mike deserves a heap of praise
(And as Phil's room-mate, a tad of pity)
For his quiet unstinting work
Administering the Walter Mitty
Changes
afoot include Nick Evans
Who's had the Eurob Captain's hat on
But considers that the time is right
To pass on the baton
In accepting
the Fat Man Captaincy
Match Winner Bobo's committed to being obese
So his current daily intake
Must continue, nay increase
The US
Captaincy goes to Nige
A low score target setter
Some regard his short speech making
As a taciturn turn for the better
The role
of Vice goes to a good choice
The newly-wed Jonathan Blanchard
To this Ultra Sexual Athlete
Staying in trim won't be that hard
The retiring
JA led from the front
On and off the course
Now freed from pre...during..and after dinner speeches
He can eat like a horse
He can
consume everything in sight
His taste buds will have a ball
And his vocal chords can take a rest
A blessing to us all!
Indeed
in one of his many speeches this time
He cast aspersions on our manhood, we felt
And whilst what he said may be true
It was definitely below the belt
Alas, Mike
Campbell got Delhi Belly
His body knew what to do
Eject the bug, which it duly did
In an easy jet of spew
Unwell,
Jumbo packed his trunk
Buttocks clenched, and with sorrow, too
Off he went with a trumpety trump
Dreading a follow through
''Unfit
for purpose'' McMate declared
His weary legs to be
And with Sharks indisposed the Ultras
Exuded ecstasy
Had they
not luckily found themselves
To be 3 men up
Just like their real world counterparts
They'd not have won the Rydder Cup
For those
who had side bets
To seek an additional thrill
Hallamshire thrashed Ashridge
North 1, South Nil
The lumberjack
shirt was declared
The Curry Nightshirt, how dire
It's far too thick and garish
To be suitable night attire
So
that concludes my little round up
Of this North West Tour, by gum
All I have left to say
Is ''Ireland Here We Come''
Getting blown by a gale
The Silloth Slaughter
Weather Report
Hock's Untergang