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93. Gotcha
A 16 handicap member of my local golf club approached the pro and challenged him to a match - for £1,000. The pro was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right now.
To make it fair the pro offered the guy a handicap. The member requested no shots, but two gottchas. The pro wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed.
Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball and sliced mightily. The pro got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind him and swung his driver hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.
The pro squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. "That's one gottcha gone" said his challenger. The pro took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on.
At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that the pro had
lost, his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for the
second "gottcha?"
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94. A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course,
when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of
Big John". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot,
so John runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks
the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his
own shot. After John has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after
it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares
his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the
fairway, striking big John in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious.
The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big John over and holds up
four fingers in front of John's face.
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95. Only once a month
Fred was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Fred. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a month."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's
cut some of us out altogether!"
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96. I'm a hooker
A couple met in the Mediterranean and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after the holiday was over.
"It's only fair to warn you Julie." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I" Julie said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably
because you're standing a bit closed and not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."
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97. Incredible golf ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy
little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee
off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can
never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose
it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects
where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and
you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round
goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to
the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
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98. Bran Flakes
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their
pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise (mainly golf and palates)
for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could
be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven, this will
be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,'
Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated
tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
